"A brother offended is harder to win than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a castle" (Proverbs 18:19, NKJV).
Our proverb moves from the familiar to the general. The first part teaches, the closer the relationship, the more difficult is reconciliation in the event of a rift. By contrast, its words about contentions are true of all people. According to Proverbs, contentions, whether of those close to us or of strangers, bring with them strife and disgrace, and are difficult to bear (22:10; 26:21; 19:13). At length, they call for one to put distance between one's self and the contentious person (21:9, 19; 22:10; 26:20). Thus, having once caused discord, contentions act as bars obstructing normal relationships, whether they be between husband and wife, brethren, or friends.
Especially formidable bars are erected when brethren fall out and strive, not about possessions or matters of this world, but about matters of faith. It is then that their contentions are most pointed and heartfelt. If proper attitudes toward the scriptures and/or one another are lacking, the barriers raised can be durable.
It seems best to take the words of this proverb as a warning. In light of the almost irreparable harm of which it speaks, "It is therefore our duty to guard against those mischiefs which are so much easier prevented than removed" (Lawson, Exposition of the Proverbs, p. 450). Far better is it to keep the gates of the strong city open and its people welcoming than to cause its gates to be closed and its battlements manned for war. What will help keep doors between brethren open?
1. We should avoid offending or taking offense. Jacob offended when he cheated Esau out of his birthright (Gen. 27:36). Joseph's brethren took offense when Joseph told them of his dreams which accurately foretold the future (Gen. 37:5-11, 26-28; 42:6,9). Barriers resulted in both cases. Since, as our proverb teaches, in a close relationship, it is difficult to recover from offences, it is better to avoid them in the first place. Let us not aid in the erection of strong cities!
2. Let us beware of contentiousness. The word rendered "contentions" in the Hebrew means, "strife, quarrels" (HALOT, Logos). When there was strife between his herdsmen and those of his nephew, Lot, Abraham yielded, giving Lot place as he desired (Gen. 13:5-9). Let us always remember his words, "Let there be no strife, I pray thee, between me and thee, and between my herdsmen and thy herdsmen; for we are brethren" (v. 8). Proverbs teaches us that whisperers, scorners, those with proud hearts, wrathful and perverse people stir up strife (26:20; 22:10; 28:25; 15:18; 16:28). When we allow such characteristics to motivate us we are helping to build strong bars which separate men and brethren.
3. Let us endeavor to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace (Eph. 4:3). Let us make the ties that unite us strong. If we have sinned against a brother or if a brother has ought against us, let us make haste to resolve the matter (Matt. 5:23-25; 18:15). Do not let time pass for the walls to go up and the bars to be strengthened. "Agree with thine adversary quickly" (Matt. 5:25).
4. Let us mortify the unforgiving disposition which prevents proper reconciliation with any person (Eph. 4:31-32). It is a dangerous matter to refuse to be reconciled (Matt. 5:25-26). There are enough such "strong cities" in the world, let not the Lord's church be sullied with them!
A strong city that must be won at great cost is usually that of an enemy. A brother offended is a former friend. How many "strong cities" do we know today with whom we once had good relations? Let us do all we can to keep walls from going up. Let us strive rather to maintain relations with brethren that are in accordance with the Bible's teaching.
- The Way of Truth and Life, 10/12/14