As Father's Day approaches, we plan to celebrate husbands and fathers and what they mean to us. But are today's fathers what they used to be? Or more importantly, are they the kind of fathers described in the Bible? Almost all fathers portrayed on television today are not strong leaders who take their responsibilities seriously. Most often, they are shown as weak, selfish, and even stupid. They are given little respect in the home, and are sometimes described as absent or abusive. The husband and father that God expects the Christian man to be is not the husband and father we see in most of today's culture.
The fifth chapter of the book of Ephesians helps us to see what God expects of husbands and fathers. Verse 25 begins with a command for the husband to love his wife. This may appear to be a very simple rule that men can easily obey since most marriages are based on love, at least in the beginning. However, when we read further regarding the kind of love a husband must have for his wife, it is clear that this ordinance requires a high degree of selfless devotion that is far beyond what we commonly think of when we say we love someone.
Paul compared the love of a husband for his wife to the love Christ has for the church. Christ's love was so immense that He even gave His life for the church. Husbands are to love their wives "even as Christ loved the church," which indicates that, if necessary, the husband must even lose his life to save the life of his wife. This shows the deep love a husband must have, and the serious responsibility God has given him. Of course, the command to love includes the responsibility to protect, support, and cherish; but as we examine the comparison to Christ, the duties reach beyond these. Christ died to save His spouse, the church. The husband must also work toward promoting his spouse's salvation. He should not inhibit her being a Christian in any way. This requires the type of leadership that will continually edify the wife toward doing God's will.
The comparison of husband to wife and Christ to the church continues with regard to purity. When a couple marries, the husband looks forward to seeing his bride in all her beauty with elegantly formed garments that are unspotted and without wrinkle. He expects his wife to be totally devoted to him and only him. When Christ marries His bride, the church, He expects the church to be unspotted and without blemish, that is unspotted from the world and having no blemishes received during contact with sin. Spiritually, the church is to devote itself to Christ and only to Him.
In verse 28 of Ephesians 5, Paul told husbands to love their wives as their own bodies. Just as a man will continually care for his own body to preserve the life within it, he must also continually care for his wife because she has become part of him--they are one flesh; thus, caring for his wife is like caring for part of himself. When a husband becomes self-centered and ignores or abuses his wife, he is actually abusing himself, since she is part of him. The man who truly loves and cares for his wife is ultimately taking better care of himself; he will reap great benefits, far beyond those of the selfish husband.
Verse 29 goes on to say, "No man hates his own flesh but cherishes it as Christ also does the church." Christ will never forsake His obligation to the church; He will always be watchful for her needs. This is an example for husbands to follow.
The comparison continues in verses 30 and 31 where the marriage union is compared to the powerful union of believers with Christ. "We are bones of His bones and flesh of His flesh." We leave father and mother and become "one flesh." The God-given institution of marriage is a figure of the eternal union between Jesus and His church (believers). If a husband can realize the significance of this comparison, he can see that cultivating a deep love for, and devotion to, his wife will provide him with a literal taste of heaven here on earth. He can then also realize why only death should break the union he shares with his wife.
The husband is also to give honor to his wife as the weaker vessel and recognize her need for his protection. If he fails to treat her with the proper care and respect, God will not hear his prayers (1 Peter 3:7). She is an heir with him in the grace of life, and in God's sight she is his equal (Galatians 3:28-29).
When children are born into a marriage, and the husband becomes a father, he assumes more responsibilities that cannot be ignored or delegated to others. As the head of the house, his family should listen to him and give him the respect due one who has authority. His position, however, is not one of ruler or commander but one of leader and provider. He should lead the family, using God's word as his guide. The man who refuses to provide for his own is worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8). He cannot ignore his role or pass it to his wife or the government. Part of his responsibility is to show his children how a father takes care of his family.
As a father provides for the necessities of life, and even luxuries within reason, he should not be seen as responsible for indulging his children in every frivolous desire they may have. He should not feel as if he cannot deny them anything they want. Indulging children with excessive spending can spoil them or give them the idea that the world owes them a living. Children should learn to live within a budget that keeps the family on solid financial ground.
A father is also expected to discipline his children. Proverbs 13:24 says, "He who loves his son disciplines him promptly." Too many times, fathers get this reversed and think that loving a child means letting him have his own way. We can see the comparison with Christ and the church on this point also. Hebrews 12:6 says, "For whom the Lord loves He chastens." Just as Christ corrects His children through the Word, a father must correct and train his own children so they will learn to submit to authority and live as Christians one day.
Punishing a child is sometimes necessary but should not be overdone. A father is not to "provoke his children to wrath," (Ephesians 6:4).
A child should not be punished without reason, or with severity or cruelty. A father should not allow his anger to lash out at his children in a vengeful way. Children should be corrected or punished in ways that are instructive and beneficial and that help them cultivate respect for what is right. A father can correct his children firmly, but in a way that explains the Biblical principle involved. He has the duty to instill high moral standards in his children's minds and prepare them for the many temptations they will face in life. All correction and instruction should be done "in the Lord;" that is, according to God's will and eternal purpose.
The best way for a father to teach his children how to live according to God's word is by his own example. He can't say one thing and do another. This erodes his position of authority and respect. It sends his children a signal that what he says isn't really true or important. Fathers should set guidelines and limitations for their children, but the fathers themselves have to be seen as also capable of living within parameters and doing what is right, even when it is difficult. A child will be better able to cope in adulthood if he has seen an example of obedience, self-control, and spirituality in his father.
God expects a lot of husbands and fathers. None are perfect, and these are roles they have to learn. Father's Day may be a good time each year for every father to do some serious self-examination to determine how close he is to being the husband and father described in the Scriptures.
Brother Blackaby has reminded us of the awesome responsibility that men have as both husbands and fathers. We can all read the passages and understand what they mean, but they are of little value if we do not properly apply them. Sadly, we can look around in the world and see some fathers who have little regard for, or proper knowledge of, their duties in these God-given roles. What I find most disturbing is seeing this among God's people.
We all know that our young people need to have role models. Indeed, this is true; but they must be proper role models. This is true even in the Lord's church. Kerry may not appreciate my saying this, but I'm going to do it anyway. Words mean nothing if our actions don't endorse them. I've known Kerry Blackaby for over 12 years--up close, and in good and bad times. He is not only a dear brother in Christ; he is also a dear friend. Kerry has put into practice the things you've read in his article. He and Sheryl have a loving relationship, and you have but to be around them for any length of time to see it. He takes his job as a husband seriously and is a fine one-just ask Sheryl.
What kind of father is Kerry? Take a close look at Jason and Brian. These two young men are members of the Lord's church and very active in the work. Jason and Brian have close relationships with their dad; and I've watched them with great admiration. Don't take my word for it; ask Kerry's sons what kind of father he is. No, Kerry isn't perfect, but he takes his roles as husband and father seriously and does a commendable job. We often occupy ourselves with pointing out our brethren's shortcomings. Yet, we sometimes fail to point out their strengths. The Lord's church needs role models, and Kerry is a fine one, as both husband and father. I want to thank him personally-he's taught me much about where I need to improve. May his tribe increase!