The apostle Paul instructed Christians about proper conduct in rearing their children. In Ephesians 6:4, he wrote, "And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." The words "provoke to anger" are translated from the Greek word parorgizo. It is defined in Liddell and Scott as, "provoke to anger;" in the passive, it means, "to be or be made angry" (1343).

About the same word, Thayer says: "to rouse to wrath, to provoke, exasperate, anger" (490). In A Linguistic Key to the Greek New Testament (II: 194), Fritz Rienecker wrote, "to anger, make angry, to bring one along to a deep-seated anger." Please notice his description of the anger under discussion, not temporary anger that flames up and quickly subsides, but deep-seated anger that can be instilled in a child's character.

The parallel verse in Colossians 3:21 says, "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged." The word "provoke" is the translation of erethizo, which Thayer defines as "to stir up, excite, stimulate. . . in a bad sense, to provoke" (249). Arndt and Gingrich write, "arouse, provoke mostly in a bad sense, irritate, embitter" (308). Rienecker observes, "A child frequently irritated by over-severity or injustice, to which, nevertheless, it must submit, acquires a spirit of sullen resignation, leading to despair" (11:236).

Many of us have seen children reach their teenage years so full of anger that it is bound to express itself in some negative manner at a later date. The parent may have the "as long as you put your feet under my table" attitude that forces the child to do what he resents doing throughout his teenage years. Then, when he turns 18 and leaves the nest, he becomes as "wild as a March hare."

I asked a class at the Lafayette Heights church where I worship, "What are some parental mistakes in disciplining children that can create this sullen, deep-seated anger in them?" Following are some of their replies:

1. Inconsistent punishment. When a child is punished inconsistently, he does not understand the boundary lines. When he is punished one day for doing the same thing he was not punished for doing the previous day, he does not know how to behave. He learns that he'd better examine his parents' mood before he does whatever brought him punishment on this occasion.
   
   
2. Embarrassing, ridiculing, and belittling. Sometimes parents err in disciplining by embarrassing their children in the presence of their friends. This is more likely to be a problem as the children grow older. This approach to discipline damages and destroys parent-child relationships. When a child is publicly humiliated in the presence of his friends, he considers himself wronged, regardless whether the punishment is justified. I have heard parents who, in the presence of their child, belittle him in such a way that one can see from the expressions on the child's face that he feels deep-seated resentment toward his parent(s).
   
   
3. Showing partiality toward children. Sometimes, one child receives preferential treatment at the hand of the parents. Jacob showed this kind of treatment toward Joseph and Benjamin because they were the children of his favorite wife. Isaac and Rebekah sinned against Esau and Jacob by showing partiality toward them--Isaac toward Esau and Rebekah toward Jacob.
   
   Scripture records the conflict and confusion that this triggered among the children. Parents must discipline wrong behavior regardless which child is guilty. When they punish one child for doing a forbidden thing and allow another child to get away with doing the same thing, they build resentment in the heart of the punished child.
   
   
4. Unfair comparisons. All children are not alike. Some have mathematics skills; some do not. Some have learning disabilities, such as dyslexia, dyscalculia, dysgraphia, attention deficit disorder, etc. Some children have autism or sensory integration disorders. These disorders affect how well the child learns and functions in school.
   
   Sometimes, parents have unjust expectations of their children and make unfair comparisons. A "C" student who struggles to make a "B" and a lazy "A" student who makes a "B" have both made a "B," but one should be praised and the other challenged to do better. How sad to have parents ask the "C" student, "Why don't you make A's and B's like your brother?" Children resent unfair comparisons. The struggling child becomes frustrated, feeling that he never can do enough to please his parents or to be as good as his brother.
   
   
5. Parents who are not united. When mother and dad are not united about how to discipline the children, it is an almost-guaranteed recipe for disaster. Children can detect their disunity and play one parent against the other to their own advantage. Usually, disagreement between parents occurs when one parent believes the other is too harsh. This begins a vicious cycle. When one parent is too harsh, the other compensates by trying to make up for the harsh parent's punishment. In such cases, he/she undermines the punishment of the harsh parent. As a result, the harsh parent becomes harsher, and the lenient parent becomes more lenient. As long as the two parents are not on the same page, the children will manipulate the situation to their own destruction.
   
   
6. Disproportionate punishment. The punishment should be proportionate to the offence. When a parent severely punishes for the least disobedience, the child feels that he has been mistreated. What would you think if the civil government threw a person who littered in jail for thirty years? You would think the punishment was overly harsh and be critical of the judge who administered it. Similarly, the child feels that he has been mistreated when the punishment is not proportionate to the offense, and he resents it.
   
   
7. Spanking in anger. It is true that children's misconduct sometimes angers parents. It is natural for parents to feel anger, but it is wrong to sin against the child during a fit of anger. Sometimes, parents spank children to vent their own anger. Parents should not administer discipline for the purpose of venting their anger but because they love the child and want to direct him toward proper behavior.
   
   
8. Badgering. Some parents think they can instill proper behavior by badgering their children. Nagging and badgering are irritating to everyone. One can avoid nagging and badgering by enforcing his word through consistent discipline. The child will learn that the parent means what he says when he says it once. He does not have to be told ten times to do something.
   
   
9. Abusive language. Parents sometimes direct loud, abusive speech toward their children. Among the kinds of behavior Christians are to avoid is "clamor." The word krauge means "shouting, clamor of excited persons (Ephesians 4:3); of people shouting back and forth in a quarrel" (Arndt and Gingrich 450).
   
   Another word for abusive speech is loidoria, "verbal abuse, reproach, reviling" (Arndt and Gingrich 480). The word appears in 1 Peter 3:9, and a cognate of the word loidoros ("reviler, abusive person," Ibid) occurs in 1 Corinthians 5:11; 6:10. Sometimes, parents verbally abuse their children, telling them how sorry they are, cursing them, and otherwise demeaning them. Such conduct destroys the child's fragile ego and creates in him a low sense of self-esteem. Children who have low self-esteem are vulnerable to anyone who flatters them. Young girls with low self-esteem are especially vulnerable to men's flattery.
   
   
10. Parents who are absent. Some men conceive children and take no active part in rearing them; some parents are so involved at work that they have no interaction with their children; some children are tossed from one relative to another because the mother doesn't want to be tied down rearing children. Whichever is the case, the child is deprived of the fatherly and motherly attachments so necessary to his proper development. Tossed-around children seldom turn out well. Many of them develop deep-seated anger as a result of their parents' neglect and rejection.
    
    
11. Parents who do not enforce their word. This generation is being taught that spanking is child abuse. As a result, we have a generation of parents who are afraid to spank their children. While all of us can agree that child abuse is wrong, there is nothing wrong with spanking children to re-enforce the oral instruction given. When children do not fear the consequences of disobedience, they have no respect for the one who gives the instruction. Each of us has witnessed parents who, without enforcing their word with any kind of discipline, tell their children over and over to do something; parents who coax their children to do what they tell them to do; parents who threaten their children but never follow through with their threats, etc. Such parents rear undisciplined children who create disorder and chaos wherever they are. One has to remind himself that the problem is not with the children but with the parents. Such children seldom have respect for authority (civil government, school, office, etc.) wherever it is present.

Conclusion

Parenting skills are learned. There are no perfect parents, and neither are there any perfect children. But parents who resolve to be guided by God's word can rear godly children in an ungodly world. I see such children all over the country where I conduct meetings. They are truly a joy to those who are around them. I also see other children in these same churches who have such depressed expressions on their faces that one knows there are many problems below the surface just waiting to erupt. What kind of parents have you been? Look at your children and take a good self-assessment.

Brother Mike has done an excellent job of discussing a much-needed subject in the Lord's church today. Merely being a Christian doesn't guarantee that one will be a good parent. God's word gives us guidelines and patterns to follow. If we do so, our children will have the best chance at growing up devoid of anger and resentment-at their parents and the world. Raising children is a difficult and tiring job, and good children do not happen by accident. Parents make mistakes, but the good ones learn from their mistakes and correct them. May God help all of us who are parents (and grandparents) to love the children enough to devote the necessary time to their needs. Take a good look at the children in the local congregation and help encourage them and their parents to be serious about their duties. Souls-theirs and ours--are at stake. (KMG)