If your children are unruly, more than likely, it's because you haven't trained them to be otherwise.

It is difficult not to feel sorry for parents who have extremely unruly children. The parents are frazzled, embarrassed, and stressed to the breaking point. And they often have no idea what to do. These youngsters constantly run in and out, complain, beg, tattle, and torment others. The parents are constantly interrupted and must rescue their mischievous offspring from one disaster after another. These parents often yell a lot, and their youngsters learn just how loud the screams must be before mom and dad are serious. The main word in the parental vocabulary becomes "No!" Such parents may do some switching or spanking, but it doesn't seem to have a significant or lasting effect.

On the other hand, parents who have trained their children are able to leave them largely unattended for sizable periods of time. The children do as they are told, the first time they are told. They get along well with their siblings and others. And, surprising to the parents of untrained youngsters, the trained children don't have to be spanked or switched very often. The trained children seem to be at peace and actually interested in pleasing their mothers and fathers.

Some parents seem to think these two very different dispositions are genetic, but actually, it all comes down to training.

Obedience Training

It is important to understand that training doesn't require a child to be able to reason or even understand what is happening. In fact, under ideal circumstances, training should begin when a child is just a few weeks old, long before reason and understanding develop.

Some parents will be repulsed by this illustration, but it is valid here. We train our pet dogs, and they are incapable of intellectual reasoning or understanding. Even mice and rats can be trained to respond to physical stimuli. Think about it. If a seeing-eye dog can be trained to reliably lead a blind person through the obstacles associated with a big-city street, shouldn't a parent expect to be able to do even more with an intelligent child?

A dog can be trained not to touch certain food or other goodies that are right in front of him. So, it is possible to train a child not to touch things on the coffee table. The pet can be trained to fetch, heel, and be quiet when he hears a soft voice command. Believe it or not, so can very young children. It is worth noting that if you wait until your dog is showing unacceptable behaviors before you begin the training process, it will be more difficult. The same is true with children. But in both cases, it is possible to change wrong behavior and establish correct actions.

Before we send the wrong message, please understand that no amount of discipline can make up for lack of training. Proper training always works with every child. When parents neglect training, they create miserable circumstances for all concerned. Seldom will punishment (discipline) alone undo that misery.

Boot Camp

The military has proven that it is possible to take undisciplined, untrained young adults and train them. That's what all that marching around in formation and lurching to left and then to right at the drill sergeant's command is all about. No part of what a soldier actually does requires marching around like that. But the "drill" trains soldiers to respond instantly to commands or orders. During combat, that training can save their lives.

The sergeant doesn't expect to call the troops to attention more than once. He expects immediate, unquestioned attention to his first order. That is what he trains them to do. Parents must train children to do the same thing.

Military trainers often yell at their troops. But that is more a matter of addressing a large group than using volume to produce conformity. Parents will find it better to train their children to respond to a soft voice and reserve the raised voice for great physical emergencies.

Training, Not Discipline

"Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6) One writer noted, the Bible says "train up," not beat up. It says train up, not educate up. Training is the most-often-missed element in child rearing. Obedience training is not all there is to rearing a child, but without it, discipline is insufficient. If you wait until your child is misbehaving to begin correction, you are starting with discipline, not training. Training is not discipline. Discipline is a part of training, but it doesn't positively show a child how to behave.

Michael Pearl, who has written extensively on this subject, defines training: "Training is the conditioning of a child's mind before the crisis arises. It is preparation for future, instant, unquestioning obedience." He says the problem isn't bad children, just bad training. Whether your children are strong-willed, hyperactive, highly intelligent and easily bored, or otherwise, all need training; and training is effective on all.

Training Not to Touch

Parents need to train very young children not to touch various things in the house, before they start doing so. Do this by placing an appealing object in front of the child. When he/she touches it the first time, say "no, don't touch that." If the child touches a second time, switch the little hand gently with a fine switch. Repeat this process. Soon, the child learns to leave things alone the first time you tell them.

Notice that the parent takes the initiative to teach this principle before a problem occurs. Think about how important this is if you have a fireplace, wood-burning stove, or an ordinary stove with burners. You can't afford to wait until your child touches one of these and is horribly burned. But you can touch his little hands to one of these dangerous areas when you have tested it and know it isn't so hot it will do harm. As the child feels the heat, say: "Don't touch!" The child learns that touching this object can hurt.

If you think about it, Adam and Eve failed the first "don't touch" test. They saw the fruit they had been told not to touch, ignored the Father's instructions, and reached out and took it.

Train your children to do better. You can't start too early. Your training will teach your children to distinguish between good and evil.

Using the Switch

One of the best tools for training is the small switch, a supple tree cutting that is perhaps no more than an eighth of an inch in diameter. Use it to teach a child to come when you call. Again, don't wait for disobedience before you begin this process. Plan an evening when you will train in this concept.

Create a situation where your child is engaged in playing with a toy. Then call him to you. If he doesn't break away and come immediately, go over and take him by the hand and walk him over to you. Then take him back to his toy and let him again become engrossed. Call him to you again. This time, if he doesn't come right away, go over and lightly switch a place on his bare legs. Then walk him over to your chair. Repeat this process that evening as long as it takes to get the child to come when you summon. This little switching isn't really punishment. It is just giving weight to your words.

Contrast With Harsh Discipline

Many parents attempt to gain compliance by using harsh discipline. And some get a measure of compliance that is based on pure fear. This discipline follows each or most failures to obey. But positively training children to do the right thing is much better than using only negative discipline. It is very important to praise children when they obey and do their best to do what you have told them. If their effort isn't perfect, but is a sincere effort to do as told, they should always be praised. This encourages future efforts to obey.